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Monday, September 11, 2006

It Was a Teenage Wedding, and the Old Folks Wished Them Ill -or- What if Romeo and Juliet Didn’t Kill Themselves?

It Was a Teenage Wedding, and the Old Folks Wished Them Ill

-or-

What if Romeo and Juliet Didn’t Kill Themselves?

By: James Snoddy


Act I

Scene i

Enter Romeo and Juliet as they awaken in the Capulet crypt after their respective suicide attempts.

Romeo: What noise? My heart moves a bit!
What of my lady, fair Juliet?
Doth she stir by my side,
Must be I dreaming yet I died?
Such strange events as I move hea’nward.
Not the past nor future see I blurred.
Perhaps the fates doth decree,
That Juliet moveth up with me!

Juliet: This dagger pushes naught but my bodice
Not skin, nor organ, yea, it flouts us.
Wherefore is not my bosom its sheath?
Found the blacksmith death means to cheat?
No poison, no dagger, no oblivion.
No he’ven, no Romeo, no carrion.
A mangled attempt at my best,
To forever put my broke heart at rest.
But wait, a movement in the clover,
Could it, is it, my star-crossed lover?

Romeo: Juliet! Alive! I wished myself harm,
Those wishes gone, she liest on my arm.
Zounds, though lively is my body vessel,
The arm Juliet layeth on, wisht for a trestle.
What hath my lover ate these days we do not meet?
An elephant, a rhinoceros, tell me what thou eat!

Juliet: Dear Romeo, I try’st to do the same,
Put dagger to sheath, all in your name.
Friar Laurence doth tell us much of his plan,
He ne’er got further than thou be my man.
What shall we do, anon I fear noise,
Of our kinsmen finding us full in poise.

Romeo: ‘Tis better that they see in poise us,
Rather than hurrying catching us in coitus.
But should they enter, we would knows,
Catch us then in full repose.

Juliet: Of all the way ways thou could’st begat,
Thou makest jokes and call me fat.
Again, I ask, once more, you twat,
What shallst we do ere we’re caught?

Romeo: A sober question, one that writes the page,
Perhaps we’d knowest, had we been of age!
One moment, I ask, I’m much older than you,
For when thou was’t born, I was’t nearly two.
Call’st me twat again, dear love, e’en in jest,
And thou would wish that dagger pierc’d thy chest.

Juliet: Silly boy, wit matters, not age, you’ve seen,
For sure thou is eldest, though only fifteen.
With no trade, no school, nor cash,
Dost thou propose that we live ‘mongst trash?
As for making threats, you I thought a dove,
Do it once more, never will we make love.

Romeo: Enough, woman, enough. We need to make haste,
Thou should’st know that I’ll not let you your life a waste.
The both of us should away anon to a secret place,
Where our new dyad can’st make plans to fortify it’s case.
Once we decide’st how to open, you can’st cross-examine,
Yet your objections e’er overruled, they goest not with mine.
For the love of God and he’ven who almost seen us,
Ne’er again tell me you’ll not touch my penis!

Juliet: I agree’st, of course, yet move we like the thaw,
Did’st I hear that thou compare our love to law?
What is this I hear of overrulings multitude?
I’ll form mine own opinions, like’st not thy attitude.
Following amongst thy vein,
I’ll continue much the same:
Likest not what in my argument I hast to say,
Hold thy objection or thou willst not get laid.

Romeo: For surely this it is, our firstly coupled argument,
Fully biled and mucousy, free from compliment.
Imagined not how our second day about,
As man and wife twouldst play out.
Juliet, I love thee, more than thou know now,
I lost Mercutio, slew Tybalt, in that fated row,
My flight to Mantua, and my poison take,
Proveth to thee the most, my love isn’t fake.
But what of thou and this man Paris?
Can’st thy heart be fully ferrous?
Thy father him promises his child,
And thou offerst final denial?
A man as me should take a hint,
That a woman as thou care not a wit.

Juliet: Romeo, I took poison as did you,
Mine was planned to bring us life anew.
The vicar should have sent some word,
It now appears he acted as a turd.
I tried to fix myself upon thy lips so red,
And haste my body to endest up dead.
When fate would not suck up my last word,
I tried to run myself through with thy sword.

Romeo: Anon, anon, dear Juliet,
These challenges remain as yet unmet,
With some secret purpose or design,
So far conspiring to keep you mine.
Worry not, we shall stay unbored,
Soon enough willst thou be pierced by mine sword.
Whether tis thy lips of the high,
Or those secret lips nearst thy thigh,
I promise thee this,
Each shall be kist.

Juliet: Fine, young master, I understand,
Kisses all round, my thigh, my mouth, my hand,
But e’en now we must start our chase,
In this venture we must make our haste.

Exit Romeo and Juliet

Enter Guards into Capulet crypt.

Sergeant of the Guard: Alas! All along I knew it,
The doctors they blew it!
Arises life from death,
Who else can affect that theft?
Who stands ‘gainst God and his?
Who gains from a fraud as this?
I’ll say it now, in full view,
Those who committed they shall rue:
Juliet Capulet plainly now a witch,
Catch her I will, that little bitch!

Young Guard:Dear Sir, stay a minute this vile expectoration,
Thinkest thou may suffer a saner explanation?
Perhaps twas all a ruse to freedom,
Juliet, her dagger, and her poison?


SotG: Ha! Young Soldier, do you not see,
That Satan hath given his life to thee?
These ‘facts’ that thou doth propose,
Hast proved thou in upon the ruse!
A witch thyself thou hast revealed,
Thusly now has thy fate been sealed.
Guards! Happily I order thee,
Arrest this man and take his family.

The guards arrest the young guard and take him away.

Exit guards

SotG (aside):Now willst we see what traffic play,
Wisely yet I refused his plea to stay.
Hunt forever will I on this occasion,
Ne’er shall I yield to his saner persuasion.
Juliet, witch I call thee true, beware the guard,
Ends of earth, worms of barrow, words of bard,
None shall stop me in my quest,
To put thee and Romeo to thy rest.

Exeunt SotG



Act I

Scene ii

Enter Romeo and Juliet into a dusty portion of Mantua, outside of a small, cheaply made trailer home that Romeo has purchased as their home.

Romeo: We have made it out of our fair city!

Juliet: Yea, to Mantua, which is pretty shitty.

Romeo: Relax, anon shall thee see our home anew.

Juliet: A home thou callest this, this pile of poo?

Romeo: What more can thee want, being young and brash?

Juliet: I prefer’st not to live as common trash.

Romeo: With my own money this trailer did I buy.

Juliet: I hope’st ‘gainst hope this seller did he die.

Romeo: All of our capital did I spend.

Juliet: Our vows are now almost at an end.

Romeo: What can I do to convice thee?

Juliet: Buy a home, a manse, a tent, but quickly!

Romeo: Sadly to say, but must I so, this trailer is non-refundable.

Juliet: Than thee will’st find me quite unmanageable.

Romeo: Be nice woman, and wait abide,
Stay thy words ere we go inside.

Juliet: This trailer the only place thee will go inside,
If it only what thee will’st or can’st provide.

Exit Romeo and Juliet to the Trailer.


Act I

Scene iii

Before the Prince of the City, in his court.

Enter Sergeant of the Guard, Prince, Guard and his family, Paris, Friar Laurence, Apothecary, Capulet, and Montague

Prince: What dost thou havest ‘gainst this family,
Guardsman, who hath served me nobly?

SotG: Prince, but few words I spare,
Provest to thee this man Satan’s heir.

Prince: A serious charge has been lain,
Prove it not and thee will put to pain.
Wherefore are the heads of family feuds,
In this room whilst we decide for roods,
‘Gainst this poor man and his brood,
Trouble with them has bent my mood,
Fear I do that my opinion blued,
Since these men hence are untrued.

SotG: Prince, again a minute, spare me more,
Anon shall I prove their spawn Satan’s whore.

Prince: Well then, let’s get it done,
Fifteen minutes hence must I run.

SotG: Your majesty, earlier this day did’st I go,
To the crypt with this veiled Iago.
Investigate a noise in the tomb of Capulet,
Found we naught but dead men virulent.

Prince: What did’st thou expect upon a crypt?
Fetes and parties upon which to sip?
Waste my time with nothing to report?
Make me miss my party, thou will be in court.
This the evidence you bring here to me before?
Methinks that this makes you Satan’s whore.

SotG: Hold, Prince, I have not yet finish-ed,
Did’st not I say dead men only famish-ed?

Prince: Truly thou hast spoke Guard Sergeant,
Point come to quickly, lest we forget.

SotG: An hour before was’t Juliet lain abed,
Thought we all that she had been dead,
Her skin was cold, her arms stiff,
Nor did her eyelids make a rift.
In her dress and on a stone,
Came we in to find no one home.

Prince: None home of course, you twit,
Once dead the soul leaves, you shit.

SotG: Your honor, I doth protest:
She was not home in the sense,
That nowhere to be found was her presence.

Prince: Understand I now, in it’s essence,
But what leads you to believe,
That she herself gave to a reprieve?
Isn’t it possible that some villain jealous,
Took fair Juliet, decided not to tell us?

SotG: Admit I do this I thought for a second,
Until my facts proven by this miscreant!
Once he asked wait that yet I speak,
Proof I had that he was weak.
All around know how Satan spreads his seed,
Weakest ears workest best evil to receive.

Prince: This is the case that you doth prepare?
Guesses at best, thou are too debonair.
I needest more proof we cannot refute,
Ere I givest the order to execute.

SotG: Then, dear Prince, listen sagely,
To the words of this Apothecary.

Prince: Apothecary, I bid thee speak,
Lies no more, spill from thy beak.

Apothecary: Prince, these words do reek of sin,
This week did I sell Romeo poison.
From Mantua he came,
His eyes aflame,
And wanted something to dispatch,
Himself from dear life’s catch.
Pity didst I take upon the poor laddy,
My own wife didst vileness to me.

Prince: Are thou not aware of the legality,
Of selling poison of this quality?
The penalty is death a thousand time,
Should thou commitest this heinous crime.

Apothecary: This I know, my noble sovereign,
Promise I will, to never do it again.

Prince: Afraid I am that that’s not a good tale,
Go thee hence away to jail!

Exit Apothecary with Guards.

Prince: So, poison it was to Romeo’s death,
But now we wait with baited breath,
To find where his corpse is lain,
And make this inquest not in vain.

SotG: Prince, dead he may be in mortal terms,
The point being he not food for worms.
Upright he walks amongst the living,
With Juliet he is not a human being.
To what end I now know not,
But I alone must stop this plot.

Prince: Needst more proof from a witness,
Dost anyone else have something to confess?

Capulet: I, my lord, did’st find my daughter,
Lain upon her bed as ere I bought her.
Cold, stiff, unmoving she in state,
With no breath left to let abate.
Friar Laurence himself came a calling,
And examined mine own daughter’s failing.
Dead she was, so sayeth he,
Said it was with full impartiality.
I swear along the neck of my fine wife,
That Juliet had long since left this life.

Prince: Good Friar, now I must ask:
Were you fair, unimpugned in this task?
Talk about the city all week in your stead,
T’was you who Romeo and Juliet illegally wed?
Thou knowest upon pain of death,
What you say must be bereft,
Of any malicious mistruth or miss-said,
Or surely shall ye find yourself ‘mongst the dead.

Friar Laurence: Since my fellow citizens justly accuse,
Nothing may I say now here may excuse,
But I did my duty as seen in my carriage,
To put the lovers in the banns of marriage.
As to Juliet’s status executor,
I cannot comment, I am no doctor.

Prince: That’s not what we asked, so answer yet:
Was it you why Juliet this life from was sent?

Friar Laurence: I serve a higher master than you, all respect,
Thought I important the two suspect,
That together they would have each other,
To save Juliet from another lover.
Paris was to wed her on the morrow,
Romeo and Juliet both in sorrow.
A plan I hatched to bring back what was hewn,
And told her that Romeo would I bring back soon.
I answer yes to all charges lain,
Accept my penance as my bane.

Montague: Prince, I must speak as you be court-ed,
My son this whole time I thought banish-ed,
Came he back to Verona this day?
I have none to prove to say.
I hear here that my son dies,
That he wisht to stay where he lies,
Now I hear that he in secret be wed,
To the daughter of my enemy, long thought dead.
As I and you were young men too,
I urge you now to grant this coup:
Free them from any indemnity,
And give my kids immunity.

Prince: Guard, are you now satisfied,
That witchcraft laws were not defied?

SotG: Prince, this tale doth sound a bit,
Like a crock of steaming shit.
No one I may know can seem,
To lie as dead asleep sans dream.
Do as you will, you are within your right,
But ne’er shall I rest ere I find what happened this night.
I am satisfied only if I may,
Question the lovers on another day.

Prince: Silence, Guard, and hold peace you will,
Vex these families again you never shall.
[to the guards]
Bringeth back the young Guard,
The Apothecary and his card,
Promote the Guard to this mans career,
And fine the Apothecary for his fear.
As for the Friar, give him a scepter,
Since he the only one to keep together.
[to the court]
Montague and Capulet, what am I to do,
Since it seems now that the two of you,
Are in-laws ‘tween your born children,
Thinkst that thou willst feud again?

Montague: None, Sir, I feel renewed, thanks for relief of this dervish,
Am I to believe that Romeo be free from his manner of banish?

Prince: Tybalt slew Mercutio, and Mercutio was’t my kinsman,
Romeo did what the law should’st commend,
Alas, redress is difficult but necessary,
And Romeo will’st find this his dowry.
I cannot allow a private work unlate,
To early usurp the power of the state.
Know it and know it now, Verona,
Romeo remains banish-ed for his faux pas.

Capulet: Sir, I do beseech thee to allow my girl,
A dispensation for her to hurl,
This rogue in Mantua with good force,
Into governed arms for a divorce!

Prince: Ere I answer of this import,
Think ye done with this tort?

Capulet: Depends on what you answer, if it’s done,
I promise nothing if Romeo’s not my son.

Prince: Make’st it easy for me to decide,
This answer will you now deride,
But I desire peace in my streets,
Therefore willst thou families e’er meet.
To keep the peace I shall say free:
Ne’er a divorce will I decree!



Act II

Scene i

Enter Romeo and Juliet inside their trailer in Mantua.

Romeo: See this nice room o’er here my lass?
‘Tis for me the man to sit on my ass!
And what of this one with the strange contrivances?
Of course, ‘tis for my wife and all her utterances!

Juliet: I thank thee, Romeo, I can’t believe I doubted life,
What more help could thou give’st me as your wife?
A horse, a buggy, a servant, a slave, a carriage?
I need’st nothing more than you in marriage.

Romeo: Thou soundest funny, and unlike health,
Dost thou thinkest I am poured from wealth?
This which I give thee is all I have for you,
Lest thou wantest my manhood too!

Juliet: A slave I am not, nor wed to the lower class,
Certain things do I need, for I am wont to pass,
On you, this trailer, and this relationship,
You’d better make good and give a little bit.

Romeo: Lover, of course, how could I forget?
Wait a moment and I’ll give a little bit!
Long have I missed out last embrace,
And hungered madly for another taste,
Of your sweet looking thing I hunt,
I want to lick your sweet-

Juliet: Runt! I knew twas true,
Cheaply made, the house of Montague!
My father didst he say oft,
That thee wast not well off.

Romeo: No more money do we own,
Disinherited when I left my home.
The same for you, to die in haste,
Did’st thou leave you your money waste.
A job perhaps could be got,
To keepest me from a sot.

Juliet: What noble calling will havest thee?
Young and banish-ed pays no fee.
Perhaps a laborer of a sort,
Or a farmer free from tort,
A sailor without port,
Or play a young man full or mort?

Romeo: Juliet, you jest too much,
Never in my life hadst I heard such,
Intend I do to live off the labor,
Of my wife and her behavior!

Juliet: A worker, me, you ask?
What think you I for this task?
As unskilled as thou art,
Me a girl with less to part.
If thou thinkest that in any sense,
I alone shall aid in deliverance,
That empty space above your neck,
Shall become an errant speck.

Romeo: Surely then we can come to pax,
Find we must what this union lacks.
Money, education, and a house,
Not love, affection, nor a—

Juliet: Louse! Thou tellst me of affection,
Of love and romantic disposition,
But thee hast not given me an inch,
Solely dost I have mind to lynch,
You and your ways chauvinist,
Ere ever will I give thee kist.

Romeo: Again you threaten with your favour,
Yet I know from your behaviour,
That none earth born can yet resist,
Romeo Montague and his bliss!
So then these threats thou make,
Empty, drained and hard to take,
Can never be held by me a commination,
E’en so, I’ll resort to masturbation.

Juliet: A wall it seems we cannot breach,
With all I have I doth beseech,
That you to me give at least,
No more, no less, thou beast,
Than what was said in our wedlock,
That ye shall treatist we good stock,
In a way that befits mine eyes,
Allow a little compromise.

Romeo: Nay, young wife, I will certainly not,
Rosaline ne’er said what she may want,
But left it all to me and my wishes,
Whilst she be left to do the dishes.
Perhaps a new wife I could force,
Our newfound union should divorce.
Back to Verona you should hence,
Far from me and sans compliments.
Exeunt Juliet

Romeo: What man shall such a woman find,
Quick to forsake love and strong in mind,
Her a bee upon my flesh,
Our ideas and bodies willnt mesh,
She, a love, I onetime knew,
And now, I rue, the two are through and through.

Exeunt Romeo

Act II

Scene ii

Enter Capulet, Lady Capulet, and a Page in the home of the Capulets.

Capulet: Alive! Fate has seen to make the day,
When all at once my fears allay,
Wondrous change he doth inure,
A change to gladness, and not injure.
Anon we should send a rider,
From Romeo’s arms we will pry her.
Boy, a horse and some water get,
To Mantua, and rest not for set.

Lady Capulet:Husband, shouldst we intervene,
In what the fates have forseen,
That with our daughter should remain,
With her husband, and us refrain.

Capulet: Fate smiles upon us fortuitously,
To giveth her to Paris gratuitously.
Remind me again of Romeo, the source,
The Prince the two he’ll not divorce,
Send to Mantua something further,
Free Juliet, I will, by means of murder!
Boy, ere you leave, find three men stout,
Take them on this trip to unlawful flout,
And havest them bringest back his head,
After killing him in bed.

Lady Capulet:Sir, wherefore are you seeking to rile,
This feud that died with our child?

Capulet: Because Juliet lives another day,
And so long in coming, I know no other way.
My child back in Verona soon-tonight?
Ancient now newfound mutiny I shall incite!

Page: Sir, a quartet of men to do thy bidding,
We shall make his punishment fitting.

Exeunt.

Act III

Scene i

Enter Romeo in his trailer in Mantua.

Romeo: Mine own castle, too small for her,
Is perfect for one—I do perjure.
What have I done to my wife,
Last week was she alone my cause for life!
And when I felt her lost,
I tried hard to pay the cost,
Of leaving mine own earthly hell,
And tried to join her in her knell.
What hast changed in just a day?
Should’st I listen, and try it her way?
Alas, in Verona she must now be,
With no means to transport me,
Fast enough to catch her up,
Take her back with thoughts to schtup.
Alack, what am I to do in this hour,
Since fate has seen to surpass my power,
With something I cannot hope to complete,
Back again I am, morbid thoughts replete.
What, ho, I hear some hooves!
Something fateful doth behooves,
This door for me to open,
To see what God bringeth in.

Balthasar: Romeo! The Friar sends his greetings,
And news of this: ill meetings.
The Prince himself, and your kin,
Have all been notified of what happened.
The pyre not yet cold,
The guardsman vile, yet bold,
Entered into barrow Capulet,
Just after you and Juliet met,
Sounded alarm worse the bell,
Called in all kin to court for spell,
Told the Prince about the plan,
Made Friar Laurence take the stand,
Spilled the story in total,
That you and Juliet were still mortal.
He bid me here to give this warn:
Capulet, he comes to do you harm!

Romeo: Then as I thought better before,
I shall get that which I called a whore.
Your mount to me shall prove to aid,
A reunion bless-ed shall be made.

Exit Romeo to catch Juliet.

Act III

Scene ii

Enter Juliet, her driver on the road to Verona.

Juliet: What man is this that I saw today?
To him mine inner jewel and more to pay?
Wherefore did he sayeth his peace,
Did he change in his decease?
Newlywed jitters, it must be,
Knowest that I can change him easily.
Driver, a turn for you, a change in horse,
Turn around in whole, to stay my course,
To Mantua, this girl her fears allay her,
To my husband, back to my trailer!

[Romeo and Juliet pass each other on the same road in the night, under cross stars.]

Juliet: The trailer is quiet and seemeth unfull,
Romeo must be out being doleful,
To bed with me I must repair,
Come morn no more will I despair.

[Juliet goes to bed]

Enter the page and three stout men into the trailer.

Page: Here be the trailer that villain hath bought,
And here he shall deserve the wounds he got.
In yon bed you three discover,
A scoundrel styling as her lover.
Set upon him with your sword,
Allow him not to speak one word.

Stout Man 1:Shall we not spark a light,
Ward off hiding night?
And see who we set upon,
Make sure Romeo dies anon?

Page: Nay, non but a Mont would live in this sty,
Surely none but Romeo this night shall die.

Stout Man 2:For sure you are true,
But can I not kill know I not who.

Page: ‘Tis a fair request, one I shall try to right,
Can any of you nigh find light?

Stout Man 3:Page, I look and look for something to shed this hood,
But the only thing to burn is this trailer made of wood.
I fear that we must be finish-ed,
With this young man banish-ed.

Page: Go to, go to, thrust swords with skill,
Let Romeo be claimed by his deeds ill.

[The three stout men set upon Juliet and kill her quietly.]

The deed is done, now we seek her,
To tell her of her restored honor.



Act III

Scene iii

Enter Romeo at the house of Capulet

Romeo: My love hath sprout wings upon,
This horse happenstance I be on.
To Verona I make quick time,
To house of Capulet, get what’s mine.
Capulet! Open hence, come I from dead,
To retrieve what is legally wed.

Capulet: Scoundrel! Villain! What thy nerve!
Those guts of thee are ill to serve,
For father to you I am not,
Surely shall you be forgot,
Thy head has no good acumen,
For it hath led thee to the lions den!
Guards! Taketh this man anon,
To the cellar, to be drawn.

Romeo: Sir, father, a word for my life,
I beseech a hold, call my wife.
She your fears will ease,
A minute only, I ask you, please.

Capulet: You mock me with your duplicity,
Wherefore should I laud insincerity?
You know my daughter with you abed,
As now I know that she’s not dead.
But now a question comes to light,
Juliet with you, you come not to fight?
Could it be that in good truth,
Juliet left you is it forsooth ?

Romeo: Aye, good sir, I sent her home,
Quarrel we did, she to roam,
Upon a better head I had reflection,
That perhaps a better introspection,
Should bring me back where born to life,
In search of my forc-ed wayward wife.

Capulet: Truth it seems upon thy eyes,
Though a Montague, a tough disguise,
I will allow this as no lies,
But still I keep you as my prize.
Meant I to kill you for interfere,
Now I judge thee as sincere.
True you are, and son, and though,
Still I must hold thee as my foe.
I hope and pray that Page,
My anger and orders were assuage,
By that long road to Mantua, asteed,
My bloodlust and ire were not to heed.

Enter Page, Romeo is now in a back room

Page: Lord, the deed is dead,
Romeo layeth, and set abed.
As you asked and so shall I obey,
No words escaped, he seeth not today.

Capulet: What man thou killst, in his bed?
Is it possible one layeth in his stead?
Didst thou pull down the sheet,
Make your eyes pain to meet,
To see what face this figure adorn,
Make sure his hair was too shorn?

Page: Nay, sir, alas, the trailer dark,
And nothing had I to make spark,
Inside the hovel did I seek,
An instrument to take a peek,
But none to be found in that sty,
Save for what moonlight may reach my eye.

Capulet: What thou hast said,
Romeo now dead,
Is false in everyway,
Except for him to not see the day.
In the other room rope bound,
Can your charge Romeo be found.
Having thus put into motion,
The twice death of my loved one,
He shall be put to this sin commuted,
Before dawn tomorrow, shall he be executed.


Page: Sir, I know not what to say to this,
Cept that I followed your orders thus.
Know now not what I have slain,
Back to Mantua to check your pain.

Enter Balthasar

Balthasar: Capulet! Your daughter her home an abattoir,
Her fair face is stone, and blood in her hair.
Breath no more doth she take,
Truthfully this time just I spake.

Capulet: Ill tidings do I ever hear,
From those that live in God fear,
From the Friar who did lie,
To this altar boy who shall die.
Loyal Page, die you as well,
The stout men will follow you to hell.
A fivefold early execution,
This time minus substitution.
Dead twice is my daughter,
All who partook will I slaughter.


Act III

Scene iv

Prince: Thusly shall all the sinners rate,
A twisted run of chang-ed fate,
When ill omen bringeth ill faith,
Conspirers alone shall suffer a spate,
Of transgressions much which must berate,
The once honest hopes issued from their pate.

Change ye not that which plays the bill,
Take your lot, whether good or ill,
Trust in forces unfelt, unseem,
Live your wants in your dreams.

Saturday, December 24, 2005

Contemplation of Murder

Tonight I sit and contemplate premeditated murder. I’m on the rooftop of someone who doesn’t know I’m there, to kill someone I’ve never met. Men are supposed to come here tonight, to this place, this courtyard. They also have premeditated murder on their minds, although it’s directed at me in general, whereas mine is directed specifically at them, whoever they might be.
It’s dark, about 0330. The stars are out, and there’s little other ambient lighting, the power grid being sporadic at best. At worst, the lights wink out as you infiltrate into the objective. It’s a haunting experience, seeing the lights kick off, following your scent. Sometimes it’s accidental. Most of the time it’s on purpose, sort of like flipping pigeons. It’s a signal that we’re there.
30 minutes ago we were dropped off by our comrades. My small team, Kitchens, Cooper, and myself, snuck up to the roof of a house overlooking the courtyard. Our friends left once they dropped us off. We are all alone save for one other team to our southeast, they intent on the same murder as we. We are alone. We have help one radio transmission away, but surely we are alone.
The night is cold. The Middle East is funny that way. Daytime brings high winds and gross temperatures; nighttime leaves you with a cold chill, even when it’s mid 50’s, since you’re now used to much higher.
We wait. Cooper and I talk a little bit in hushed voices; not wishing to give up our position should the men we’ve come to kill show up tonight. Kitchens is on the east side, over watching our flank with his machine gun. It’s cold. We switch between our night vision goggles and my scope, searching for our guys. The waiting is the worst. Every time a dog barks or a car goes by or a person walks across our kill zone, we steel ourselves for what happens next. The time goes by. Suddenly it’s 0430 and out of nowhere, an eerie music starts playing to our south, then our east, and finally our north. “Allah Akbar.” The call to prayer is out of sync between mosques. It’s loud, too. The cacophony rattles me for a moment; I’m trying to place it.
I feel containerized and smothered, though I’m on a rooftop and am unconfined physically. The stars and their light cast a canopy around my head, the western desert envelopes my right side, the city of Mosul my right. The kill zone occupies my front. We are surrounded by brick walls, offering us cover and concealment. The Mosques surround us as well, their chilling music getting inside me as a bullet never could. Is this a religious war, a Jihad? Or is it something else? Perhaps a pissing contest? The male ego killed more people than Islam.
We wait some more. Finally the wait is up, and it is time to go home. No men have shown. I am not a murderer this night.

Wednesday, September 28, 2005

Yaaaaaaaaaaaar

We left Kuwait about a month ago, and ended up in Mosul, Iraq. It's a lovely town, full of people who love us, clean air, no garbage, and loads of economic opportunities. Oh wait, no, that's where I was. Mosul makes New Orleans look like Shagri-La. People have sewage from their toliets drain directly onto the street. Wild dogs, cows, and donkeys graze through the myriad of garbage left on the streets. People build 'houses' out of empty oil cans and mud. They let their children play naked in the filth. They encroach upon the 100 meter stand-off distance between their cars and our Strykers and get shot. They dart out into traffic and get hit by our 22 ton vehicles and then we take them to our hospital. They leave their cars on the side of major highways and we incinerate them so that no one will place an IED there. The insurgents place bombs and shoot at us for doing nothing more than securing the future of their country. It's been a lovely month.

Sunday, September 04, 2005

Yar

Thus far, I have done next nothing in the Middle East. It is cooling off, however, and we should experience another 10 or so degree drop in Mosul. I am tenatively coming home for two weeks in January 2006, so keep that on your calendars...I'm running a desert 10K tomorrow morning with SGT Jason Lang. We've decided to actually race it if it looks like we can win. Should be a hell of a T-shirt either way...

Monday, August 29, 2005

The following pix

Are of Kuwait, the North Pole, and Fairbanks (Alaska). This is one of my favourite pictures, Rhonda and I in DC, last May.

Saturday, June 25, 2005

Journey

So I left Fort Benning on June 10th and have essentially been on the road ever since. I spent a fun filled week in DC with Jimmy, Brian, Josh, Rhonda, Rob, etc. Hit up the Old Ebbitt and the usual joints in DC, VA, and College Park.

On the 17th I bounced up to Rochester to see Benny, Bret, Jonny, Dave, Brian, Timmy, Mikey, Missy, and my Dad. We kicked ass all week and basically now my liver is quite upset with me. Had a lovely evening with a girl I met through Missy and now I can say that my Rochester streak is at 6 years.

Picked up Schuler in Cleveland on the 24th and we took off for the Midwest Mecca known as Chicago to see my cousins. We stayed with Katie and saw Beth, George, and Nick, in addition to Nick's cutie girlfriend who is named, appropriately, Joy. Went out to Belly's and the City Park Grill in the north side. I was a little too drunk to stand so Jeff and I left for greener pastures known as PTFO (passing the fuck out.) Today my cousin George took us out on his friends million dollar yacht and as of now we are gearing up for a wild night before hitting the gay pride parade tomorrow and then it's on to Minneapolis later that afternoon.

Saturday, June 04, 2005

Perceptions

Is perception reality?

If reality is how you perceive the world outside your mind, then isn’t perception reality? For instance, if I think stapler is red, and my friend does as well, is it really red? Someone who is colorblind won’t think that the stapler is red, although, if he knows that he is colorblind, he will undoubtedly defer to the person who isn’t, and call the stapler red, although that goes against his perception. Maybe he’s not colorblind at all. Maybe people who aren’t colorblind are color-occupied, or color obsessed. Another way to look at the color is to examine the stapler under sodium (regular light bulb) lights, halogen lights, fluorescent lights, sunlight etc. The color will change with each lighting change. So what is the “default” lighting source used for deciding what color something is?

A different example of using sight as a means of perception is this: you are driving a car towards a blinking red light, signaling a full stop. Blinking traffic lights flash once every second. If your blinks were in phase with the traffic light, you could see one of two things: a steady red light, signaling a full stop, or a lone traffic light that seems to have a bulb that’s burnt out. In that case I would drive right through, with possibly deadly implications.

The truth of the matter is that perceptions are not reality. Reality is. If there were a color to describe reality, it would be gray. Reality is a spectrum with an infinite amount of shades in between. So, would reality then be the sum total of all sapient beings perceptions? If a tree falls alone in a forest, does it make a sound?

Monday, May 09, 2005

Immortality

Any halfway talented rhetorician can make 2+2=5. For instance, the logical syllogism: All humans are mortal, is based on a major and minor premise, If all humans are mortal and I am human, then I am mortal. This seems right, since all the signs point towards death at some point.

Check this out: Ok, about two thousand years ago, human life expectancy was around 25 years. Now, it is about 85 for female Japanese women. This is a net increase of about 11 days of life per year. In order to become "post-human" or, immortal in the strictest sense of the word (basically, getting rid of death by illness, natural causes) the trend would have catch up to the necessary 1 year increase in life expectancy per 1 chronological year. Following the trend from 0-2005, we would need to live to the year 66165 to see human immortality.

Well, this seems to like a moot point, no? 66,000 years is pretty far off. Let us examine the current trend, however. When viewed as a whole, the trend is essentially flat, I can skew my statistics to view the last 100 years, where life expectancy went from 60 to about 85. This is a net gain of 3 months per year, or about 25% of our necessary constant to achieve immortality. Now the trend says that we need to wait until 2505 for immortality, shaving off over 62,000 years.

Let's try the trend of the last five years and see what happens. Over the past five years, the trend says that we gain 1 year of life every 3.85 years, or, about 95 days per year. This is 26% of our necessary constant. So, in about 500 years we should have it down. I think it'll happen sooner than that.

Tuesday, April 26, 2005

Barroom Courtship

Legal Proceeding/Term: Barroom Seduction Equivalent

Writ of Habeas Corpus: Where is the (hot) body?
Opening Arguments: Your Wingman has breached the defenses
Cross Examination: Other men, trying to cock-block
Hostile Witness: Her big, fat friend
Jury: Your drunk, obnoxious friends
Closing Statement: It’s about that time
Verdict: Yes, I’ll go home with you, or not
Appeal: Please, come home with me
Sentence: Holy shit, I’m going home alone
Jail House Lawyering: It’s 10 min to 2 am, she’s 210 lbs…
Clemency: The Governor called, and the fatty will take you home!

Liam



This is my new nephew, Liam Scully. 5 lbs., 12 oz., of pure fight!